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Age of 6 years old little girl asked one day from her mom,
-"Who am I"
My mother was a bit wondered about my question and replied gently of course “You are my lovely daughter" and kissed me.
That answer never really fulfilled my question for a long lifetime. When I was young I often questioned myself why I am not him or her? why I am me?. I remember whenever I play outside with the kids, there was a homeless young girl always looked alone. I always come to ask her to play with us, but she said she can't because she doesn't have a home or parents. She was very lonely, I spent the time to play with her, around us my friends were bullied me and her. We used to share an ice-cream and she was telling me how much she was happy to spend time with me and taught me her song and we used to sang this song. Every time I sing this song, it reminds me of her. By the time I could not understand how much pain being homeless, being alone, and no parents.
She used to sing for me her favorite this song:
As grown up in this age
Separated from my mom
Perhaps this is my misfortune
Golden world’s law of nature
Without Your words mom
The prairie sun has no light
Known all my friends' distance from me
How troubled I am
When learn to walk time
To accommodate to a stranger
Oh, perhaps this is may my misfortune
Golden world’s law of nature
Without Your words mom
The prairie sun has no light
Known all my friend's distance from me
How troubled I am
At the age of 13, my parents get divorced and my dad moved to the UK. Soon my brother went to the UK too. I used to miss them so much, drew and painted for him, write a poem with postcards telling him how much and how much I loved them. But I didn't know this pain will continue for a life long, be with me and experiencing no parents pain and no siblings around you anymore. Also, my mom by the time lost her house being fraud from bad people. The problem gets exaggerated gets worse and worse. I used to care for my young sister and be helpful to my mum. Whenever I am home I felt lonely and being stressed about changing schools and moved around a lot. Never really had a stable life ever since my parents get divorced. When I finished high school and I decided to go to China to study. That was the only way for me to get peace in my heart. But I could not understand why people get divorce, lies, cheats, and why so much pain in there. As a little girl hadn't seen his dad for 13 years and my brother for 20 years. It is still so much pain to heal myself.
Being abandoned by my own family and experiencing a familyless lifestyle and pain all I had for all these years, lived a dark age of these all years of life brought me to the point to help the homeless population. No wealth can give you happiness but only love and healthy relation with family is the key to happiness. I finally understood, after all these years why I am living in this world? why I had all these pains...? all my why's get answered one by one. Therefore, I could able to see finally who really I am, being confident in my life very first time and say yes I love life, therefore I am enough myself, I can change me to be a better person, whatever my story behind there is much bigger purpose is waiting for me. This was serving the homeless population, forgotten people, represent their pain and voice.
My Mongolian name is "Badamkhatan", the meaning is "Lotus Queen". I used to shame my name when I was young, I used to think it is an old grandma's name. but now I am proud of my name. Because the " Lotus" flower is such a beautiful and wonderful smell comes out of it. This phenomenal flower grows in dirt, mud water that no one can even imagine how beautifully grows this flower in it. For me " Lotus " flower represents Homeless, poor people to get out of the darkness, hatred, criticism, loveless, shameful life like mud. "Queen" represents to found you as you are. Accept who you are and you are enough the way you are as imperfect and loveable being.
We are all loveable humans. We all experience pain in our own way. My destiny and my story tell my purpose of my life. Nothing wasted, everything happens for a reason. Now I know "Who am I"? I am BADAMKHATAN, a loveable human being who has a purpose in this world, who has the talent to serve others and create a meaningful life, and finding true happiness in me. All my pain turns to happiness.
